Captain Underpants 6
by Brockster550
Summary: Melvin Sneedly, the school brainiac, tries to become the world's first bionic boy, but the attempt ended in failure, as he sneezed at the last second, and became the Bionic Booger Boy. How do George, Harold, Em and Captain Underpants plan on defeating the Bionic Booger Boy, especially that he's covered in his boogers? To search for answers, read the story. No copyright intended.


Captain Underpants 6: The Big, Bad Battle Of The Bionic Booger Boy

Part 1: The Night Of The Nasty Nostril Nuggets

by Brockster550

No copyright intended, the fanfic is all I own.

Ch. 1

George, Harold and Emily

This is George Beard, Harold Hutchins and Emily Krupp. George is the kid on the left with the tie and the flat top. Harold is the one on the right with the t-shirt and the bad haircut. Emily is the only girl in the middle with shoulder-length blonde hair kept straight, a polka dot blouse and a red overall skirt. Remember that now.

George, Harold and Em (the nickname George and Harold gave Emily) tend to get average grades, due to their silly streak (though they still manage to get **B** s and **C** s). Melvin Sneedly, however (he's the kid down there with the bow tie and glasses) always got straight **A** s. Because Melvin was so academically gifted, people just assumed he was alot smarter than George, Harold and Em. But that wasn't true.

You see, George, Harold and Em were just as smart as the straight A students, but in a different way. In a way that wasn't measured by worksheets, quizzes or report cards. Maybe they couldn't remember their multiplication tables well. Perhaps they didn't have good, nor proper, grammar either. But when it came to saving the world from unrelenting forces, there was nobody better than George Beard, Harold Hutchins and Emily Krupp.

It was a good thing George, Harold and Em were smart enough to get themselves out of trouble, because their silliness tends to get them into trouble occasionally. In fact, one time it got them into a really SNOTTY situation. But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you this story.

Ch. 2

Squishies, Part 1

It was Demonstration Speech Day in Ms. Ribble's fourth grade class. Every student had to give an oral report on how to do something, where students can work by themselves, in groups of two, or in groups of three. First up were Tim Bronski and Stevie Loopner, who demonstrated how to give a speech that they hadn't prepared for. They ended up getting a D-.

Next up were Jessica Gordon and Stephanie Wycoff, who demonstrated how to cook frozen lasagna in a pop-up toaster (which ended in disaster, as the fire department was called in). Once the firemen left, it was George, Harold and Em's turn. Harold and Em carefully tacked some charts and graphs onto the wall while George brought out a large garbage can with a toilet seat taped to the top (obvious that it is a new prank of theirs).

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Em. "Today George, Harold and I are going to demonstrate how to do a 'squishy.' First, you need two packs of ketchup and a toilet seat."

"Next," said Harold as he pointed to their display chart. "You must fold the ketchup packs in half and carefully place them under the toilet seat. But make sure that the packs are under those two bumpy thingies at the bottom of the seat."

"Now, once the ketchup packs are in place," said George. "All you have to do is wait for somebody to sit down on the toilet seat. Do we have any volunteers?"

"C'mon," said Em. "Who wants a squishy?"

Nobody wanted to sit on the toilet seat, they wanted to see what would happen if somebody actually DID. So George grasped one side of the toilet seat, Harold grasped the other side, while Em watched, then the boys pushed down. _SPLAT! SPLAT!_

Everyone in the class was thrilled (except for the two kids sitting directly in front of the toilet seat, who were somewhat less-than-thrilled).

"Hooray for squishies!" shouted the children.

Now normally, George, Harold and Em's teacher, Ms. Ribble would've been very angry about this particular demonstration speech. She would've yelled on and on about "imitateable behavior" and how it's not nice to spray ketchup into people's underwear, legs and socks. But Ms. Ribble had changed quite a bit since the last book, and now she was all about FUN!

"C'mon kids!" shouted Ms. Ribble. "Let's all run to the cafeteria and get some ketchup packs! Squishies for EVERYBODY!"

"HOORAY!" cried the children as they all got up and started running towards the classroom door.

"NOT SO FAST!" shouted Melvin Sneedly, the school brainiac, who was also blocking the door with his arms spread defiantly. "YOU GUYS ARE SO IMMATURE!"

Ch. 3

The Combine-O-Tron 2000

Melvin was not about to let anybody leave until he gave his demonstration speech.

"We still have fifteen minutes left before lunch," said Melvin. "And that's just enough time for me to demonstrate my new invention, the Combine-O-Tron 2000!"

"Aww, maaaan!" whined the children.

They all slumped back to their seats, while Melvin pushed a cart toward the front of the classroom. On top of it were a hamster, a small robot (which Melvin had built himself), and a strange-looking contraption shaped like an ice cream cone.

"Today," said Melvin. "I will demonstrate how to turn an ordinary hamster into your very own bionic cyber-slave."

So he placed his pet hamster, Sulu, at one end of the cart and his tiny homemade robot at the other end.

"Now, I shall combine this ordinary hamster with this tiny robot using the Combine-O-Tron 2000." Melvin concluded.

So he put on some goggles, picked up the Combine-O-Tron 2000 and turned it on. A high-pitched tone filled the classroom air, getting higher and higher in frequency as the machine continued to charge to full power. Melvin typed some last minute calculations into the keyboard on the side of the Combine-O-Tron 2000 as it's laser extractor warmed up. Suddenly, two glowing streaks of red light flashed onto Sulu and the robot. The Combine-O-Tron 2000 began assimilating information on the two elements it was about to combine.

"Don't worry kids," assured Melvin. "This procedure is totally painless, Sulu won't feel a thing."

Finally, a computerized voice started the countdown: " **Combining two elements in five seconds. Combining two elements in four seconds. Combining two elements in three seconds. Combining two elements in two seconds. Combining two elements in one second**."

 _BLAZZZZZT!_ A burst of brilliant white light shot out of the Combine-O-Tron 2000 and formed a ball of energy between Sulu and the tiny robot. The hamster and the robot began to slide closer and closer together until they disappeared into the energy ball. The smell of burned matches and pickle relish filled the air as hot blasts of electric wind knocked books off of shelves and sent paper flying. Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light, a quick puff of smoke, and it was all over. Melvin pulled off his goggles. No longer were a hamster and a robot sitting on the cart before him. Now the hamster and robot were one, combined at a cellular level. The world's first self-contained, warm-blooded, fuzzy bionic cyborg.

"EUREKA!" shouted Melvin. "I've just created the world's first cybernetic life form, IT WORKED! IT WORKED!"

The children looked on as Melvin waved a metal detector over the hamster and the reading went off the chart. One of the kids raised his hand with a question.

"Yes!" said Melvin enthusiastically.

"Can we go to the lunchroom and get our ketchup packs now?" asked Melvin's classmate.

"Bu... NO!" screamed Melvin. "Will you forget about squishies for ONE MINUTE? I have just created the world's first bionic hamster, and NOBODY is leaving this room until I have demonstrated his undying obedience!"

Ch. 4

Bad Sulu

Sulu didn't seem to know that he had just undergone an incredible groundbreaking transformation. He didn't act any differently. He just wandered around the top of the cart, stopping occasionally to sniff everything around him, scratch his ears or rub his whiskers. But poor Sulu was in for a surprise.

"Sulu," said Melvin. "I am your master and you will obey my commands. I want you to demonstrate your new super powers for the class. Do a super-bionic jump across the room." Sulu did not respond.

"Sulu," said Melvin sternly. "Crush that plastic rolling cart with your bare paws!" Again, Sulu did not respond.

"SULU!" Melvin shouted. "Go outside, pick up a car and throw it across the parking lot!" Once again, Sulu did not respond.

Finally, Melvin reached into his backpack and pulled out a red ping-pong paddle that he designed especially for this occasion.

"Sulu," he said angrily. "Do as I say, or you're going to get a good spanking!"

This time, Sulu did respond. When he saw the ping-pong paddle, he became very frightened, and his little hamster instincts took over. Sulu jumped into the air, grabbed the ping-pong paddle with his right paw, and then yanked Melvin onto the plastic rolling cart with his left paw, much to Melvin's horror. Finally, the children stopped thinking about ketchup packs and toilets for the moment and settled in to watch the show.

Ch. 5

The Aftermath

Sulu gave Melvin a few good (but not too hard) spankings. Even though Sulu didn't spank Melvin very hard, Melvin just wailed and blubbered and carried on away.

"You're a BAD hamster," cried Melvin. "I never want to see you again as long as I live!"

Melvin ran out of the classroom sobbing. The rest of the class, including Ms. Ribble, followed him out laughing and chanting, "Squishies, Squishies, Squishies!" George, Harold and Em decided to stay behind to comfort the forgotten hamster.

"Don't feel bad, Sulu. It wasn't your fault!" assured George.

"Yeah, Melvin is a real meanie!" said Em. "He doesn't care about anything or anybody other than himself, or anything or anybody who is of use to him."

"Would you like to come home with us?" offered Harold. "You can live in our treehouse if you want!"

Hearing those words brightened Sulu's day. He was so grateful that he jumped onto Harold's shoulder and licked his face. Then Sulu jumped onto George's shoulder and licked his face. Then Sulu jumped onto Em's shoulder and licked her face as well, the three started laughing with excitement.

"I think we've just adopted a bionic hamster!" said Em ecstatically.

So George tucked their new pal into his shirt pocket, and the four friends headed off to the cafeteria for lunch.

Ch. 6

Mr. Krupp

About that same time, the school principal, Mr. Krupp (who also happens to be Emily's uncle), came marching into the main office in a particularly foul mood, stopping beside Miss Anthrope's desk, huffing and puffing.

"Where's my coffee, Edith?" he shouted.

"Get it yourself, Tubby!" Miss Anthrope shouted back. "It's NOT my job to get it for you!"

"I don't need your lip today, _woman_!" growled Mr. Krupp. "I just want my coffee, and I want it NOW!"

"Well, get me a cup too, while you're at it!" Miss Anthrope growled back.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHH!" screamed Mr. Krupp in frustration.

So he grabbed a newspaper and headed for the faculty restroom. Ms. Ribble was standing by the door, smiling and trying very hard not to laugh, while covering her smirk.

"What are you lookin' at?" snarled Mr. Krupp as he past Ms. Ribble, pushing the door to the faculty restroom open, and slammed it shut behind him.

Ms. Ribble could hear the faint sound of a belt buckle jingling, a zipper unzipping, some clothes rustling, and finally... _SPLAT! SPLAT!_

"WHAT THE...!" screamed Mr. Krupp from inside the restroom. "I'VE GOT KETCHUP IN MY UNDERWEAR!"

Ms. Ribble just started laughing hard. Seconds later, Mr. Krupp came barging out of the restroom door, with his mood worsened.

"I'm going to get George and Harold for THIS!" screamed a rage-filled Mr. Krupp, pointing to the ketchup stain.

"They didn't do it," said Ms. Ribble, rolling around on the floor while laughing. "I did. It's called a squishy, it's the latest fad!"

"Yeah, right. Very funny," said Mr. Krupp sarcastically, refusing to believe Ms. Ribble's confession. "Now where are those two kids? I just know they're responsible."

As Mr. Krupp headed for the cafeteria, he noticed that he wasn't the only victim of the dreaded squishies. All throughout the hallways, there were angry kindergartners, first, second, third, fifth and sixth graders complaining about the ketchup stains on their legs, socks, pants and underwear. Mr. Krupp stormed into the cafeteria (since it is lunch time for the fourth graders) and heads for the table Ms. Ribble's class was sitting at.

"GEORGE AND HAROLD!" shouted Mr. Krupp. George, Harold and Em stood up upon hearing that and faced him. "I've got ketchup in my underwear because of you two. And so did half the kids in this school! And you also tricked Emily into joining in on your plan!"

Em shook her head (as if to say that it wasn't true), which Mr. Krupp ignored.

"We didn't do it." said Harold.

"Yeah," said their classmates. "George, Harold and Emily are innocent."

"Oh no they're NOT!" said a familiar voice from the other end of the table. It was Melvin Sneedly. Besides being the school brainiac, Melvin was also notorious for being the school tattle tale.

"George and Harold taught everybody a trick today where you put ketchup packs under a toilet seat and make it spray on people's legs." reported Melvin proudly.

This caused the other kids to glare at Melvin angrily, and some of the kids looked at George, Harold and Em with worry, and for good reason.

"And," Melvin continued. "They blackmailed Emily again into joining in on their scheme."

Em gasped as she covered her mouth in disbelief, the other kids weren't pleased. Some continued to glare at Melvin with anger, some even widened their eyes in disbelief, since Melvin lied to Mr. Krupp. Of course, Mr. Krupp tends to believe what Melvin says, even if it turned out to be a lie. Em just sat back down, put her head down into her arms and shook her head back and forth. The lie Melvin told worsened Mr. Krupp's temper.

"Thank you Melvin," said Mr. Krupp gratefully, who turned to George and Harold and pointed to the cafeteria door. "Mr. Beard and Mr. Hutchins, to the detention room, NOW!"

George and Harold left, mad at Melvin, for tattling, and for lying the second time, while Mr. Krupp went back to his office. Melvin didn't seem to be aware (or simply didn't care) about what had happened. Then he went to sit next to Em (since he has a crush on her), and then he put his arm around her, but she pushed him away. Melvin, once again, tried putting his arm around Em, but she shoved him away again. So Melvin tried to kiss her (much to the anger of the other fourth graders, while Melvin didn't seem to be aware of the fact that he was causing a scene), but Em pushed him away once more.

"DON'T DO THAT MELVIN. YOU'RE VIOLATING MY PERSONAL SPACE. NOW GO AWAY, YOU BIG FIBBER!" shouted Em with anger.

She got up and left, heading straight to the detention room to be with George and Harold. The other fourth graders just looked at Melvin in disbelief, angry at him for what he just did.

"What in the world is wrong with you Melvin?" said Jessica Gordon. "That's no way to treat a girl!"

"She likes it!" lied Melvin, who was delusional about the situation. "She just doesn't know..."

"She DID NOT, MELVIN!" shouted Connor Mancini. "You should be ashamed of yourself. You tattled once again, you lied to Mr. Krupp about George and Harold blackmailing Emily, you tried to force her into letting you kiss her without her consent, and you also manipulate Mr. Krupp into thinking that George and Harold are the bad guys and you the good guy. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?"

Melvin, who was stunned, refused to get the message.

"Emily loves me, I know she does, she just..." he assumed.

"Knock it off, Melvin," said Janet Warwick.

"YEAH MELVIN!" said the other fourth graders.

Melvin angrily leaves, but yet, was still delusional, and still didn't care about what he caused. The other fourth graders were pleased that the tattle tale left, so they all returned to their meals peacefully.

Ch. 7

The Comic Is Mightier Than The Spitball

Meanwhile, George and Harold (with Sulu in George's shirt pocket) had reached the detention room, angry at Melvin.

"Man," said Harold. "Melvin is such a tattle tale, a manipulator, and a liar!"

"Yeah," agreed George. "Somebody ought to teach him a lesson!"

"And we're just the ones to do it." said a familiar voice, which made George and Harold jump. It was Em (who was smiling).

"Hey Em!" said George and Harold, who immediately became happier and smiled.

"So how will we teach Melvin a lesson?" asked Em.

"Let's make a new comic book!" suggested George.

"Good idea!" said Harold and Em in unison.

So the three got to work on their new comic book: _Captain Underpants And The Terrifying Tale Of The Tattle-Tron 2000!_ When they were done, the three sneaked out of the detention room and over to the main office to run off copies of their newest comic book and sell them in the hallway. The latest comic was a great success, everybody loved it. Well, everybody except Melvin Sneedly, I should say. As Melvin walked to his last class of the day, he noticed small groups of students reading comic books (either individually, in pairs or in groups of three or four) and giggling. Normally, this was enough to make Melvin run straight to the principal's office and tell on everybody for unsupervised reading (which was strictly forbidden). But today, Melvin noticed something strange. The comic-reading students were laughing and pointing... at HIM.

"What?" said Melvin. "What's wrong? What are you guys laughing at?"

Everybody was laughing... everybody was pointing... and it was driving Melvin crazy! He marched over to a group of second graders, grabbed the comic book out of their hands, and looked at the cover. Melvin was FURIOUS!

"YOU GUY'S ARE SO IMMATURE!" shrieked Melvin.

He quickly darted off to read the comic in peace, but everywhere he ran, he came across more pointing and more laughing. Finally, Melvin thought of the one place where he could read the comic in private. So he went to the boys' bathroom, locked himself in one of the stalls and sat down to read. _SPLAT! SPLAT!_ As Melvin sat reading, with his legs dripping with ketchup, he became angrier and angrier.

"I'm gonna get George and Harold!" Melvin vowed.

Ch. 8

Mad, Mad Melvin

Melvin was furious. After he finished reading, he ripped the comic book in half and tossed it over his shoulders. Then he went to wash his hands in the toilet, and stormed out of the restroom.

"I'm gonna get George and Harold for that," said Melvin. "I'm gonna teach them a lesson they'll never forget. And I'll make sure they stay away from Emily forever, and make Mr. Krupp's wish come true once and for all!"

After school, Melvin grabbed his Combine-O-Tron 2000 and headed home. Meanwhile, George, Harold and Em were heading back to the treehouse, with people complimenting the comic book about Melvin. Jessica Gordon approached Em.

"Hey Emily," she said. "We all stood up to Melvin for what he did."

"That's great, Jessica!" said Em. "He sure needed to be taught a lesson."

Then, Connor Mancini, along with his sister Madison (who is a third grader) also approached.

"The comic book was fantastic," said Connor. "Melvin was delusional, so we all told him off."

"I would've loved to see that!" stated Madison. "Hopefully that comic book made him learn his lesson about his tattling."

"Yeah, agreed." said George, Harold and Em.

Janet Warwick approached as well. "Melvin assumed that you enjoyed what he was trying to do." she told Em. "But I told him to knock it off, and the rest of the fourth graders even yelled at Melvin, making him leave the cafeteria."

"Great job Janet," said Em. "If Melvin tries one more idiotic thing, then we can just make another comic book about him."

"Yeah, great idea Em." said George. "He truly needs to learn his lesson."

"No doubt about that!" agreed Harold.

The seven kids all laughed and laughed, then they all said goodbye to each other, while they all went back to their respective residences (with George, Harold and Em heading back to the treehouse). Meanwhile, Melvin made it home. His parents, Gaylord and Amy, were working on a top secret government experiment (which involves pouring pop rocks into a bottle of coke, and seeing what would happen) when Melvin walked in the front door.

"Hello, son," said Melvin's father. "How was your day?"

"Terrible," said Melvin angrily. "Nobody in school has sufficient respect for my beautiful mind. Those dull-witted, lame-brained, gum-chewing idiots are more impressed with comic books than they are with the wonders of science. But I shall teach them. I shall teach them all! Ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!"

"That's nice, honey." said Melvin's mom.

Melvin marched up to his room to begin building a brand-new super-powered robot. But when he opened the door, he saw his family pet cat, Danderella, sleeping quietly on his bed.

"Hey!" screamed Melvin. This made Danderella wake up unexpectedly. "What are you doing in my room, you stupid cat? You know I'm allergic to you! Now get out and... a-ah-ah-ACHOO...STAY OUT!"

After a few hours, Melvin had built his newest and most powerful robot. This robot had three sets of interchangeable laser eyeballs, Macro-Hydraulic Jump-A-Tronic legs, Super-Somgobulating Automo-Arms, an extendable Octo-Claw rib cage, and was powered by three separate Twin Turbo-9000 SP5 Kung-fu Titanium-Lithium Alloy Processors, which were all built into a virtually indestructable Flexo-Growmonic endoskeleton that had the power to punch through cinder blocks, crush steel with it's vise-like grasp, and plow mercilessly through poorly written run-on sentences. It could also slice bagels.

"That ought to do the trick!" said Melvin, wiping his nose on a tissue. "Now, all I have to do is... a-ah-ah-ah-ACHOO... combine my body with this bionic robot, and I shall be the most powerful boy who ...a-ah-ah-ah-ACHOO ...ever lived!"

Ch. 9

Melvin's Fantasy

As Melvin set up the Combine-O-Tron 2000 and made the proper adjustment, he imagined what his life would be like as the world's first bionic boy. He imagined walking into school the next day, his arms swinging confidently as he crashed through the walls of the classroom. The girls would swoon (especially Emily, or so he thinks) as he talked for hours about the amazing world of science. Ms. Ribble would probably let Melvin sit at her desk from now on, because Melvin's new buns of steel would be too massive to fit into an ordinary children's chair.

Maybe Mr. Krupp would invite the governor to visit the school, so he could show off his most powerful student. If so, the governor would probably declare a new holiday called "National Melvin Sneedly Day," a day where kids all over the world would get extra homework and quizzes to honor the glorious name of Melvin. But the best part of all would be George and Harold's reaction. They would be so terrified by Melvin's size and strength that they would drop to their knees and beg for mercy. And Melvin would spare them only if they agreed to be his slaves for all eternity, and more importantly (to him and Mr. Krupp at least) that they stay away from Emily forever. George and Harold will have to sharpen Melvin's pencils, carry his books, and be his personal footstools (with them taking turns) during each class.

"Life is gonna... a-ah-ah-ah-ACHOO... RULE!" said Melvin with excitement.

Ch. 10

The Night Of The Nasty Nostril Nuggets

Melvin turned on the Combine-O-Tron 2000. A high-pitched tone pierced the air, getting higher and higher in frequency as the machine began to charge to full power.

"Oops." said Melvin as he quickly turned the _dramatic effects_ off, so he wouldn't disturb his parents.

The machine silently continued to charge to full power as Melvin entered calculations to account for his clothes and glasses. When the laser extractor finally warmed up, Melvin stepped in front of the Combine-O-Tron 2000, standing perfectly still beside his new robot. Suddenly, two streaks of glowing red light flashed onto Melvin and the robot as the Combine-O-Tron 2000 began assimilating information on the two elements it was about to combine.

Finally, a computerized voice started the countdown: " **Combining two elements in five seconds."** Melvin stood perfectly still.

 **"Combining two elements in four seconds."** Melvin's nose began to twitch.

 **"Combining two elements in three seconds."** Suddenly, Melvin felt an uncontrollable urge. He cupped his hands over his mouth and nose as his eyes squeezed closed involuntarily.

"A-a-a..." **"Combining two elements in two seconds."** "...ACHOO!" Melvin sneezed, while he then looked into his hands, which were now glistening with mucus and semi-dried booglets.

Instantly, the Combine-O-Tron 2000 began to recalculate the elements in it's sights. **"Combining three elements in one second."**

"THREE elements?!" screamed Melvin in horror. "W-W-WHAT'S THE THIRD ELEMENT?"

Quickly, Melvin darted his eyes around the room, searching for any new element that might have accidentally made it's way into the sights of the laser extractor.

"WHAT'S THE THIRD ELEMENT?" he screamed again. Then, he looked down into his crusty, dripping phlegm-filled hands.

"Uh-oh!" said Melvin as a blinding burst of white light enveloped him. _BLAZZZZT!_

Ch. 11

The Next Day

The next day, Melvin didn't show up for school on time. Nobody really seemed to notice, though. Everybody was really excited about show-and-tell. Almost everyone brought in something lame like awards or books. But George, Harold and Em had something that was totally _cool._

"Everybody remembers Sulu from yesterday, right?" said George. "Well, we took him home to live with us in our treehouse."

"And we taught him the greatest trick!" said Harold.

So Em carried Sulu over to the classroom window and opened it, while George and Harold brought a large watermelon out of Harold's backpack and carried it over to the window, where Em was waiting with Sulu.

"Okay, Sulu," said Em with encouragement in her voice. "Show everybody your new trick!"

In a swift motion, Sulu placed his mouth over the watermelon and shoved the entire thing into his left cheek. The whole class was stunned at seeing that.

"No, no, that's not the trick," stated Em. "The trick is what happens next!"

Sulu looked out the window and eyed a dead tree at the far end of the empty playground. He then began chewing up the watermelon, then puckered his tiny hamster lips and spit. _Ratatatatatatatatatatatat!_ The watermelon seeds fired out of Sulu's mouth, hitting their target with expert and precise accuracy. In no time at all, the dead tree at the end of the playground was now a pile of twigs and sawdust. The class cheered as George, Harold and Em petted their amazing little bionic buddy. George, Harold and Em didn't think that anybody could beat their show-and-tell display, but they were wrong. Because at that very moment, Melvin Sneedly was dripping down the hallway toward the classroom door. Melvin didn't bring anything for show-and-tell, because Melvin WAS the show-and-tell.

Ch. 12

Show-And-Tell Melvin

As all of the fourth graders were cheering and petting Sulu, the classroom door opened and in walked a green, glistening behemoth into the classroom, filling the air with sounds of heavy metal gears grinding with wet, gooey bursting bubbles. Some of the girls screamed. Some of the boys did to.

"You guys are so immature!" said the horrible beast.

At once, the children recognized the terrible creature standing before them.

 _"MELVIN?!"_ they cried.

"Yes, it's me!" gurgled the wet, jiggling monster angrily.

His eyes and nose were dripping with warm, greenish, custard-like mucus. His robotic arms were caked with massive globs of crispy, shimmering snot. And as he turned to close the classroom door, part of his hand came off of the doorknob. It oozed down the door, leaving behind a chunky trail of moist excretion. Melvin squished and sloshed as he jiggled over to his chair. Each gooey footstep coated the floor with a foamy trail of slime, and everything he touched became wet and encrusted with warm, bubbling, syrupy phlegm. When Melvin sat down, generous helpings of yellowish, pudding-like goo slowly dribbled down the chair, collecting into creamy, gelatinous puddles beneath him. The puddles themselves were transparent and speckled with thick, shimmering nose hairs and dark red chunks of coagulated blood, which...

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" yelled George to the narrator. "Enough with the descriptions, you're making us all sick!"

"Thank you George," said Ms. Ribble. "Now Melvin, why don't you tell us what happened to you?"

"Well," Melvin explained. "I tried to combine myself with a robot last night. But I accidentally sneezed at the last second."

"So you got combined with a robot...and _boogers?"_ asked George.

"Yeah," said Melvin. "But don't worry, I've started building a Separation 1000. The machine will reverse the effects and turn me back into a boy again. Unfortunately, it will take six months to finish."

"Six MONTHS?" said Harold.

"Hey, cellular separation is a high complex procedure," explained Melvin. "It's not like building a robot. It takes time!"

"Why don't you try taking the batteries out of the Combine-O-Thingy and putting them in backward," suggested George. "Maybe that'll reverse the effects."

Melvin rolled his thick, bubbling, crust covered infrared eyes. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!" he gurgled.

Ch. 13

The New Melvin

You might think that turning into a Bionic Booger Boy might be the worst thing that can ever happen to a kid, but it wasn't all bad. Believe it or not, there actually was a positive side to being a lumbering loogie lad. For instance, Melvin now won every football game he played... because no one wanted to tackle him. And when he served a volleyball, nobody on the other team would dare to hit the ball back. Besides being the school's new sports star, there were other perks to. Melvin never had to wait in line at the drinking fountain anymore. Now he had his own personal drinking fountain because... well, would you use a drinking fountain after a bionic booger boy had globbered all over it? I didn't think so. All of the special attention Melvin was receiving made some of the other kids jealous. But not George, Harold and Em. Considering all of the villains that George, Harold and Em had been battling all year, they were just grateful that Melvin didn't turn himself into a giant terrifying beast with plans to destroy Earth.

"It could be ALOT worse," said Harold. "At least Melvin isn't a terrifying, evil villain."

"Yeah, you're right." said Em. "He may not be the nicest kid, but he wouldn't take over the world."

"No kidding," said George. "I can't think of any reason that could turn Melvin into a villain."

Ch. 14

The Cold And Flu Season

Soon it was autumn, and the new season brought with it many changes: crisp, chilly air; early morning frost; and bright, colorful leaves. But with the beauty of autumn came another change that wasn't quite so welcome: _the cold and flu season._ All throughout Jerome Horwitz Elementary School, people were getting sick. The hallways were filled with runny noses, sneezing mouths and aching bodies. And unfortunately, one of those noses, mouths and bodies belonged to Melvin Sneedly. Every time he sneezed, thousands of tiny driblets shot out of his mouth, splattering the chalkboard with a thin layer of foamy, glistening, yellowish-green, tapioca-like mucus.

"Don't forget to cover your mouth, Melvin, dear." said Ms. Ribble.

"Oh, sorry, sorry." said Melvin. He put his hands over his mouth and sneezed again.

This time, the explosion of air from his stifled sneeze blew off large, wet globs of his body, which sprayed the entire classroom. It was as if somebody had lit a firecracker and threw it into a bucket of green paint, and exploded. The warm, smelly goo smacked into people's hair, splattered onto their clothes, and seemed to drench every square inch of the room.

"On second thought Melvin," said Ms. Ribble with realization. "Don't cover your mouth next time. Now who wants a cookie?"

Ch. 15

The Field Trip

The next day, for some strange reason, Ms. Ribble was out sick with a cold. Mr. Krupp was filling in as the substitute teacher and as usual, he was very angry.

"What the _heck_ is going on in here?" he yelled, looking around the classroom. "What's with all of the umbrellas and raincoats?"

Melvin's sneezing answered the question. A few minutes later, Mr. Krupp returned with fresh clothes, a raincoat and an umbrella.

"Alright everyone," he shouted. "Today is Field Trip Day, Miss Anthrope and I will be taking you all to Snoddy Bros. Tissue Factory to see how blow rags are made."

The word "tissue" made Melvin jump in panic. "NO," he cried. "ME NO LIKE TISSUES!"

An eerie silence fell over the classroom, with everybody looking at Melvin in shock.

"Did Melvin just say _me no like tissues?"_ asked Harold.

"Yeah," said George. "I haven't heard him misuse an objective pronoun before."

"Odd," said Em. "Who does he think he is, _Frankenstein?"_

Ch. 16

Things Get Bad

Within a few hours, the fourth graders were packed into a hot, stinky factory listening to a boring speech about how tree trunks are turned into tissues... or something like that. Nobody was really paying attention, except for Melvin Sneedly, who was terrified. His whole body shook and shimmered as the tour took them down the narrow walkways of the noisy industrial plant. Finally, the tour ended at the gift shop where the manager, Mr. Snoddy had a surprise for everybody.

"Behind this red curtain with dots on it," said Mr. Snoddy. "Is a free gift for each of you."

Mr. Snoddy pulled the red curtain back to reveal a pile of sample tissue packs.

"Help yourselves," said Mr. Snoddy. "There's enough for everyone!"

"NO," screamed Melvin. "ME NO LIKE TISSUES!"

"Don't be silly," said Mr. Snoddy. "Everybody loves tissues. And our tissues are extra absorbent. They really help to wipe out phlegm and mucus!"

"NO," Melvin yelled again. "TISSUES IS _BAD MAGIC_!"

"Nonsense," laughed Mr. Snoddy. He tossed a couple tissue packs at Melvin. "Here you go, young man, enjoy."

The tissue packs flipped through the air and stuck onto Melvin's back, with Melvin screaming in utter terror. His eyes began to glow green as he beat his chest in anger. Suddenly, Melvin's shoulders started to bubble, with his chest expanding. The Flexo-Growmonic steel in Melvin's endoskeleton flexed and grew. His neck and head widened, and his body swelled to a height of thirteen feet.

Ch. 17

Things Get Badder

Melvin grabbed the tissue packs in his massive, dripping fingers and flung them to the ground. Then he pointed a giant, robotic finger at Mr. Snoddy.

"DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY!" Melvin warned. "YOU NO LIKE ME WHEN I ANGRY!"

"Oops," said Mr. Snoddy, ignoring Melvin's warning. "You dropped your tissue packs. Here's some more for you, young fellow!"

Mr. Snoddy tossed two giant handfuls of tissue packs at Melvin. Frantically, Melvin swatted at the nine new tissue packs that stuck to him as if they were a swarm of stinging bumblebees. He stomped his giant spiked feet and thrashed about violently as his hulking body doubled, and _tripled_ in size. Melvin started punching and kicking the walls of the gift shop as he let out a terrifying, bloodcurdling cry.

"There's no need to cry, little man." assured Mr. Snoddy. "Here's some more tissues to dry those tears!"

He tossed several more tissue packs at Melvin. (As you might've noticed by now, Mr. Snoddy wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the Hanukkah tree). What happened next could only be described by chaos. Once again, Melvin's body tripled in size. By now, Melvin was roaring and kicking and knocking over giant machines. All the children ran and screamed in terror. Mr. Snoddy thought it might help matters if he could just give Melvin some more tissues. But before he could, a drop of mucus the size of a bathtub dripped from Melvin's nose and splashed down on Mr. Snoddy, gluing him to the floor. George, Harold and Em ran and hid behind the red curtain with black dots on it as Melvin continued his rampage. He already crashed through the roof of the factory. Ear-piercing roars bellowed out of his gigantic, oozing mouth as he kicked down the walls of the factory and tossed heavy machinery into the parking lot.

"Man," said George with fright in his voice. "It's like the end of the world out there!"

"No kidding!" stated Harold in a terrified voice.

"It'll only get worse if the situation doesn't get under control!" said Em with worry.

Mr. Krupp and Miss Anthrope were trying their best to get the situation under control, but they weren't having much luck.

"Hey, bub," shouted Mr. Krupp. "I've had just about enough of your shenanigans!"

"You're gonna be spending the afternoon in detention if you don't settle down, young man!" shouted Miss Anthrope.

Suddenly, Melvin reached down and grabbed Miss Anthrope in his massive metal fist.

"HELP ME!" she screamed. "SOMEBODY SAVE ME!"

"Uh... ummm..." said Mr. Krupp nervously. "I'll... I'll go get some help!" Mr. Krupp just ran and hid behind the red curtain with black dots with George, Harold and Em.

"I thought you were gonna go get some help, uncle." said Em.

"Well, not _today_ ," said Mr. Krupp, terrified. "Melvin is like a three hundred foot colossus!"

"Well, there is only one person who can help us now." said George.

"Who's that?" asked Mr. Krupp.

Ch. 18

Captain Underpants, That's Who

As much as George, Harold and Em didn't want to do it, but they decided that it was time to call Captain Underpants in to save the day, so George snapped his fingers. Suddenly, the terror and panic that Mr. Krupp had been experiencing completely vanished. A wild, silly grin spread across his face as he leaped to his feet and ripped off his outer clothing and toupee (which Em collected and stuffed into her raincoat). Mr. Krupp's transformation into Captain Underpants was almost complete, the only thing that was missing was his cape.

"Gee," said Captain Underpants. "I wish I can find a red curtain with dots on it."

"Hey," said George as he pointed to a red curtain with dots on it. "Here's a red curtain with dots on it."

"Why, what a remarkably unexpected coincidence." said Captain Underpants as he grabbed the latest in a series of convoluted plot devices and tied it around his neck.

By this time, Melvin had already stomped out of the factory, and on his way to downtown, leaving behind a trail of mucus in his path. Captain Underpants flew into the air, following the trail of terror until he was face-to-face with the snot-spewing cyborg.

"I order you to stop," said Captain Underpants. "In the name of all that is Pre-Shrunk and Cottony!"

Melvin didn't listen. Captain Underpants had no choice but to fight the boogery behemoth, but first he needed to save Miss Anthrope. Quickly, our hero flew to Edith's side, grabbed her hands, and pulled firmly. The slimy phlegm that was covering Melvin's gigantic fist was strong and gluey, but it was no match for Wedgie Power. Captain Underpants pulled and pulled until Miss Anthrope became dislodged with a noisy, wet, disgusting sound.

"I'm free!" cried Miss Anthrope. "Now let's get the heck out of here!"

Suddenly, the bionic booger boy reached down and grabbed Captain Underpants by the cape. The monster held on tightly with his gigantic, gooey robotic fingers.

"ACK!" cried Captain Underpants. "He's got my cape. He's got my cape!"

"Just untie it!" screamed Miss Anthrope. "We've got to get out of HERE, PRONTO!!"

"But I...I can't fight crime without my cape!" cried Captain Underpants.

"FORGET YOUR STUPID CAPE!" screamed Edith. "Just save me, you idiot!"

Ch. 19

You Can't Have Your Cape And Edith, Too

As anybody will tell you, no superhero is complete without a cape. I mean, without a cape, a superhero is just a guy wearing fancy underwear (or in this case, not-so-fancy underwear). But Captain Underpants knew what had to be done. He reached up with his free hand and courageously untied his cape, valiantly sacrificing his aesthetic integrity to save the life of a mere mortal being. Captain Underpants and Miss Anthrope were free, but they weren't safe yet. The Bionic Booger Boy swung at our hero with all his might. Captain Underpants weaved around Melvin's frantic, flying, phlegm-flingin' fists as he tried to find a safe place to land. Suddenly, Captain Underpants' 100% cotton-powered vision spotted George, Harold and Em from miles away. With lightning speed, he flew down to meet the kids.

"George, Harold, Em," said Captain Underpants. "You three need to keep this woman safe while I destroy this slime-ball."

"Okay," said Harold. "But you'd better hurry, he's coming this way!"

"Wait," cried Miss Anthrope. "I didn't get a chance to say thank you."

She turned and kissed Captain Underpants all over his face with wet, drooly smooches.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank YOU!" she said between each sloppy kiss.

"Yuck!" said George, as he forced himself to look away.

"I sure hope she doesn't thank _us._ " said Em, disgusted.

"I concur!" stated Harold, covering his eyes with his hands.

When Miss Anthrope finished slobbering all over Captain Underpants' face, she gave him a great big hug for good luck.

"Now go get him, tiger." she said coyly.

But Captain Underpants didn't move. He just stood there staring blankly into space. Off in the distance, George, Harold and Em could hear the Bionic Booger Boy approaching. Each thundering footstep brought the horrible beast closer and closer, until at last he stood towering above them, panting heavily, and dripping profanely. Miss Anthrope ran away, screaming.

"Hurry, Captain Underpants," said Harold. "DO SOMETHING!"

"Yeah," cried George. "KICK HIS HINEY! KICK HIS HINEY!"

But Captain Underpants didn't move. He didn't fight, he didn't fly, he didn't kick anybody's hiney. In fact, the only thing he did do was get very, very angry.

"What the heck is going on here, bubs?" he screamed. "And why am I standing here in my underwear?" George, Harold and Em didn't like the sound of that.

Ch. 20

Welcome Back, Krupper

If you have read the other stories, then you'll know exactly what happens to Captain Underpants when he gets water on his head. Unfortunately, Miss Anthrope's wet, slobbery kisses had produced the same effect. Captain Underpants had been turned back into Mr. Krupp... and now, he was about to turn into lunch. As soon as Melvin picked up Mr. Krupp (much to his shock), George, Harold and Em began snapping their fingers frantically. _SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!_ Again and again, they snapped their fingers. But Mr. Krupp's face was still slimy and wet with gooey kiss juice, and the snaps were having no effect at all. The mighty mucus monster shoved Mr. Krupp into his gummy mouth and swallowed him whole... and then (with a smug grin on his face) he came after George, Harold and Em (who were trying to run away).

"OH NO!" screamed Em.

"HELP!" screamed George.

"WE'RE DOOMED!" screamed Harold.

Ch. 21

Sulu Saves The Day

Halfway across the city, a plucky little hamster with bionic ears could hear the terrified cries of his three best pals. Quickly, Sulu jumped out of his exercise wheel and crashed through the side of his plastic cage. Then, with a mighty leap, he bounded from the window of George, Harold and Em's treehouse and flew toward downtown to save his pals. At that very moment, Melvin was dangling George, Harold and Em high above his mouth.

"HAW, HAW, HAW!" laughed the Bionic Booger Boy. "ME GOTS YOU AT LAST!" The three kids began waving to one another.

"Well, good-bye y'all!" said George.

"See ya later, you two!" said Harold.

"Take care," said Em. "It was fun while it lasted!"

Finally, Melvin let go of the three, who started falling in face first into the gooey, gaping mouth of the... SWOOOOOOOOOOSH! The next thing George, Harold and Em knew, they were flying sideways at an incredible speed. Everything all around them was a blur of motion, except for the sight of their little buddy Sulu, who had literally grabbed them from the murky mouth of death at the very last second.

"Atta boy!" cried George and Harold.

"Hooray for Sulu!" cried Em.

Sulu set George, Harold and Em down on the roof of a distant building, then he returned to the scene of the crime. He grabbed a few oversized novelty items from the tops of some warehouses and turned to face his mortal enemy.

Ch. 22

How To Reverse The Effects Of The Combine-O-Tron 2000 In One Easy Step

Sulu managed to defeat the bionic booger boy by banging his head with a giant cane, punching him with a giant fist in a boxing glove, and finally snaps the Bionic Booger Boy's tushie with a giant pair of false teeth. He flopped, unconscious, into a giant boogery blob that spread across several city blocks (and nearly four whole pages) as reporters surrounded his massive, oozing body. Soon, Melvin's mother and father showed up with the Combine-O-Tron 2000.

"We saw what was happening on the news," they said. "And we want to ensure that we're working on a machine that will reverse the process that turned our son into this monster. If we work together, it should only take a few months to build."

"Why don't you just take the batteries out of that _Combine-O-Thingy_ and putting them in backward?" said George. "Wouldn't that reverse the machines effects?"

"Well," said Mr. Sneedly. "You obviously don't know anything about science, little boy. You can't expect to reverse the effects of a highly complex cellular-moleculizing Combine-O-Tron 2000 just by switching the batteries around. That kind of thing only happens in a lame childrens' book."

"Ahem," said George self-consciously. "Why not just give it a try anyway? Who knows, it might work."

"Alright," said Mr. Sneedly, rolling his eyes and smirking. He quickly switched the batteries around and powered up the machine. "But I'm only doing this to prove a point. It's not going to work, no way. Not in a million years. Anybody who thinks it will or might is a complete idiot. It goes against the laws of logic and science." So Mr. Sneedly aimed the newly reconfigured Combine-O-Tron 2000 at his son and fired.

Suddenly, there was a terrific explosion. The Bionic Booger Boy burst into three chunks of glistening snot and twisted metal, which smacked onto three nearby buildings and stuck like glue. In the center of the explosion stood Mr. Krupp and Melvin.

"Well, what do you know?" said Mr. Sneedly, surprised. "The idea worked!"

George, Harold and Em just rolled their eyes.

"Now step aside, kiddies!" said Mrs. Sneedly as the two scientists marched over to the local news reporters to tell them about their scientific breakthrough.

But as the smoke around Mr. Krupp and Melvin began to clear, it became obvious that they were not quite back to normal. Apparently, the newly reconfigured Combine-O-Tron 2000 had accidentally morphed Mr. Krupp and Melvin together.

"Don't worry," Mr. Sneedly told the reporters. "All I need to do is zap them one more time. That should set everything up right!"

So he fired up the Combine-O-Tron 2000 again and prepared to blast away.

"I sure hope this separates their bodies." said Em.

"Me, too." said George.

"Same here." agreed Harold.

It did.

Ch. 23

A Happy Ending?

"You know something?" said George. "This is the first time one of our books had a happy ending."

"You're right," said Harold. "Usually, at the end, Em gasps, with you screaming 'Oh, NO!' and me screaming 'Here we go again!' "

"Yeah, that's right!" said Em. "We sure got lucky this time, didn't we."

"What do you mean lucky?" asked Mr. Krupp. "It was my invention that saved the world. You guys are so immature!"

"Huh?" said George, confused.

Melvin then turned to George and Harold. "I want to see you boys in my office PRONTO. I'm gonna punish you boys so bad, your kids will be born with detentions!" he yelled.

"Whaaaa?" said Harold.

"What is going on here?" asked Em.

All of a sudden, a giant extendable Octo-Claw reached out from one of the three chunks of boogers. It grabbed the Combine-O-Tron 2000 out of Mr. Sneedly's hands and smashed it to smithereens on the ground. Mr. and Mrs. Sneedly ran away screaming as the humongous robotic booger chunks came to life. Slowly, they began dripping down the sides of the buildings, each one energized itself with a single Twin-Turbo 9000 SP5 Kung-fu Titanium/Lithium Alloy Processor. As the huge booger chunks oozed closer and closer, they began sprouting strange-looking metallic eyeballs and huge, menacing robotic limbs. Suddenly, the three Ridiculous Robo-Boogers leaped out toward George, Harold, Em, Sulu, Mr. Krupp, and Melvin... and the chase was on. Everybody ran for their lives, with Melvin and Mr. Krupp screaming. Em gasped.

"Oh NO!" screamed George.

"Here we go again!" screamed Harold.


End file.
